


I'm Sorry Mother, I Know I Let You Down

by Creazy



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: A little bit of Vic and Robert interaction, just Robert talking to Sarah's grave mostly, sad with hopeful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 00:57:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5227739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creazy/pseuds/Creazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert goes to Sarah's grave on the day of her passing to finally say what he had been wanting to say for so long, and a little more too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry Mother, I Know I Let You Down

**Author's Note:**

> I was just really sad that Robert seemed so uninterested about Vic's plans for the memorial today and I felt like writing something. This is just off the top of my head and not revised at all. Just a headcannon.

Robert had shrugged off Victoria's discussion about plans for their mother's memorial to meet with Aaron in hopes that maybe all would be forgiven, but he had obviously been mistaken with that hope. He left the conversation feeling hopeless and somewhat broken. He thought for a moment about maybe going back into the pub and trying to ask Victoria about the plans again, but he just didn't feel like he could go back into the pub at the moment and face everyone. He decided to take a walk to try to clear his head, but he hadn't really planned to end up in the grave yard alone. 

Rob walked through the cemetary winding his way through the headstones at a surprisingly slow and unmotivated pace. He figured he would stop by the grave quickly because he would probably end up coming back with Andy and Victoria sometime later that day. He just needed some time to think and it seemed like an appropriate place. Little did he know that he would have a lot more to say than he had thought. 

"Hey mum." Robert stood in front of the stone a little uneasy. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say, but standing there he felt like he should say something. "Andy and Vic are coming by later. I might be with them. I don't know though." 

He knelt down to brush away some of the dirt around the stone so that you could read it clearly. "I'm sorry it took so long to come back after last time. I'm sorry I left. It's Lawrence's fault. He just wanted to get to me and he decided to-" He paused. Getting worked up over that seemed pointless, but it still weighed on his mind nonetheless. "I miss you." he added quietly.

He slowly sat down on the ground not even concerned about the dirt. He just needed a break. "I'm sorry, mum. I ruined everything." He could feel his chest burn with sadness. 

"I don't understand. Andy killed you and dad helped him. He took you away from us and dad was just worried about keeping him out of jail. Andy wasn't even his real son. I was his real son. Max dies and he tells me to leave and never come back. It was an accident. I didn't want him to die. I wanted to go back and help him and get him out of the car, but I wasn't fast enough. I tried though. I tried to get them both out. He didn't care though. He thought I was a lunatic. I was never enough for him. That was the last time I saw him you know." A lump began to form in his throat. "And now Andy hates me so much he wants me dead. He's wanted me dead for a long time I guess."

"I didn't mean to kill Katie, mum. I didn't. It was an accident. I panicked and I'm sorry. I've hurt so many people. No wonder everyone wants me dead." His eyes began to burn as he tried to keep his composure. 

"Even Aaron wants me dead. I guess I can't blame him though. He's got every right to hate me after everything I've done. I've hurt so many people. You're probably not proud of me either. I just want to fix things, but I don't know how. I'll never get Andy or Aaron to forgive me. Chrissie wants me as far away from her as possible. Victoria and Diane are all I have left, and if they knew the person I really am they'd be done with me in a moment...I don't want to be alone." He couldn't hold back his tears anymore and they began to form.

"I'm so scared of being alone. I don't want to be alone." The tears continued falling and Robert wiped them away quickly with his hand.

He sat in comfortable silence for a while just staring at the stone, but not really seeing it. He was lost in his mind replaying everything that's happened. His mind landed on the one memory he knew he couldn't avoid. Hearing the yelling from the barn and finding out that she was trapped in there. Watching with Andy as his father ran into the burning barn to try and help her. Feeling his heart drop when he saw him emerge from the building empty handed with flames lapping at his legs. Then watching as the barn exploded taking with it any hope that he had held onto that she might be alright.

"I'm so sorry, mum." He said because he knew she wouldn't be happy with him if she knew what his life had become. 

He was so lost in thought he didn't hear Victoria walking up behind him. "Robert?"

Her voice starteld him from his trance-like state and he quickly wiped away any remaining tears that might have been lingering. "Vic, what are you doing here?"

"What do you think I'm doing here?" She said showing the flowers. "Andy's supposed to be coming soon too."

Robert nodded in understanding and quickly moved to stand up. "I should go. Andy's not going to want me around I'm sure." He just really didn't want to cause an argument today. He didn't think he had it in him for a fight at the moment anyway. 

"No, you should stay. We should be together as a family. I know you two are arguing again, but can we just get along for one day? Just for today?" She asked.

He knew he shouldn't stay, but he didn't want to argue with Vic so he decided to stay until Andy showed up and then he would leave to avoid the tension.

"So what were you doing here anyway? I wasn't sure if you were going to come today since you blew me off earlier." She said.

"I wouldn't miss it. I just had to take care of something. Turned out to be nothing anyway." He said hoping Vic wouldn't question him further. 

She gave him a look, obviously trying to read his expressions. "Did this have anything to do with Aaron?"

"Why would you ask that?" He questioned trying his best not to sound defensive. 

"Just thought it might since he just got back today." She said innocently.

He just sighed. "Don't worry about it, it was nothing." He answered after a moment. 

"Oh look, there's Andy!" She said nodding toward her brother making his way to where they were."

"I should go." Robert said seeing Andy's expression upon noticing Robert with Vic.

"No, you two should work it out. Today's not a day for fighting." She pleaded.

Robert just gave her shoulder a squeeze. "I already said my peace anyway. I just don't want to fight today. I'll see you later at the pub?"

Victoria just gave a sigh and as Andy finally approached. 

"What are you doing here?" He said with far more venom than Robert had expected. 

"I was just leaving. I'll see you later, Vic." He said before turning to walk away. 

"Robert wait!" She tried to call but Robert just kept walking. He knew he needed to work things out with Andy, but today was not that day.

**********

Robert made his way back to the pub only to be greeted with Cain's always pleasant remarks. Chas gave him a pint anyway and Robert took a seat. He gave a look to Aaron who met his eyes for only a moment before looking away. His heart sank a little seeing Aaron, but he took his pint and drank it anyway. He looked at the glass for a while just thinking. He had to try to fix things. He wasn't sure how he would ever do that, but it was worth a try. He lifted his glass to take another drink first pausing for a moment. 'I'll try to fix it, mum. I really will. I promise.' he thought to himself hoping that his mother could hear him from whereever she was. He had messed up so much, but maybe he could still try to make her proud. He took another drink from his glass before setting it down. He could always try.


End file.
